Dear The Onion, Your review of The Avengers movie is completely off base. Jeremy Renner totally nailed Hawkeye. Jeff Hauser, Hermiston, OR County Fair Judges Blown Away By Local Heifer Check out the news from the launch and be among the first to download Internet Explorer 9. Apple today announced it has sold three million new iPad devices since its launch on Friday, March 16. “The new iPad is a blockbuster with three million sold ― the strongest iPad launch yet,” said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Marketing. In his review of the new iPad, AllThingsD’s Walt Mossberg describes viewing the Retina display as “like getting a new eyeglasses prescription — you suddenly realize what you thought looked sharp before wasn’t nearly as sharp as it could be.” He praises the performance of the iPad as “buttery smooth,” and he writes that he “loves” the photos he took with the new 5-megapixel camera. Mossberg concludes, “Since it launched in 2010, the iPad has been the best tablet on the planet. With the new, third-generation model, it still holds that crown.” New York Times writer Brian X. Chen reports that Amtrak is replacing its old manual ticketing system with iPhone, noting that the company is among the “growing number of businesses” to use iOS devices to improve operations. Chen reports that the system will allow conductors to keep track of passengers in real time and also provide updates to railway staff, such as if a disabled person is getting on at a particular stop or if equipment fails. Amtrak’s Matt Hardison says, “We’ve made a number of important improvements for both our customers and Amtrak, all in one fell swoop.” Following numerous religious protests, Indonesian officials have refused to issue a permit for Lady Gaga to perform in Jakarta next month. ABERDEEN, WA—Feeling spontaneous, Jenny Pierce, 32, took the 53 bus to the end of the line and got to see where the bus driver lives. For the fifth year in a row, Apple has been named the World’s Most Admired Company by Fortune Magazine. Apple also ranks first again in the Innovation category. Noting the “runaway success” of iPhone 4S and iPad 2 and increased sales across the board, the magazine writes: “To say it was another big year for Apple would be a gross understatement.” Apple today announced the new Apple TV featuring 1080p HD programming, including iTunes movies and TV shows, Netflix, Vimeo, photos, and more. The new Apple TV features a simpler, refined user interface, making it easier than ever to access your purchased movies, TV shows, and music with iTunes Match right from iCloud. With AirPlay, users can stream or mirror their favorite content from their iPad or iPhone 4S to Apple TV. And with iTunes in the Cloud, customers can purchase and play their favorite movies and TV shows from the iTunes Store and watch them instantly on their HDTV. Apple TV will be available on Friday, March 16 for a suggested retail price of $99 (US) through the Apple Online Store and Apple Retail Stores. After two marriages to other people, James Palmenteri, 38, and Valerie Skinner, 35, have decided to waste their friends and family’s time, once again, this Saturday. At Lowe’s stores around the country, iPhone is changing customer service for the better. Using custom iPhone apps, store employees have key product information on hand, so they can check pricing, inventory, and location of items within the store, anytime, from their iPhones. And the free consumer app features how-to videos, prices and reviews, store locations, and gift card balances. “iPhone, iPad, and the iOS platform are enterprise solutions that we can build on for the future,” says Lowe’s Executive Vice President and CIO Mike Brown. FileMaker, Inc. today announced the release of the FileMaker 12 database software line — including FileMaker Pro 12, FileMaker Go 12, and FileMaker Server 12 — which offers powerful new ways to create custom database apps for iPad, iPhone, Mac, Windows, and the web. New professionally designed themes and the ability to customize every detail make it easy to create databases for managing contacts, projects, digital content, and more. All FileMaker 12 products are available starting today. USA Today reviewer Edward C. Baig describes his experience using the first Multi-Touch digital textbooks published for the iBooks 2 for iPad app, noting that they are “engaging in ways that were simply not possible with the textbooks I grew up with.” Baig likes the portability, updatability, and low pricing of iBooks 2 digital textbooks and touts specific features like instant search, highlighting, bookmarking, and interactive graphics. Writes Baig, “It’s better to see an animated tour of the genome in E.O. Wilson’s Life on Earth than just to read about it. ” Azithromycin may be risky for adults with heart problems, a new study finds, by possibly causing abnormal, potentially fatal, heart rhythms. JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali, more than 500,000 people have died so far this month from the ongoing... HERSHEY, PA—Hershey's, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Hershey's Kisses, Twizzlers, and the Symphony chocolate bar, announced Tuesday that it had run out of candy and would cease operations immediately. Apple today announced financial results for its fiscal 2012 second quarter ended March 31, 2012. The Company posted quarterly revenue of $39.2 billion and quarterly net profit of $11.6 billion, or $12.30 per diluted share. These results compare to revenue of $24.7 billion and net profit of $6.0 billion, or $6.40 per diluted share, in the year-ago quarter. “We’re thrilled with sales of over 35 million iPhones and almost 12 million iPads in the March quarter,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “The new iPad is off to a great start, and across the year you’re going to see a lot more of the kind of innovation that only Apple can deliver.” Early Playoff Exit Provides Huge Relief To Grizzlies Fez, an indie video game, delights in complexity and confusion. $86.40 (-$1.03) (-1.2%) Investor confidence wavered following president and CEO Inge Thulin’s gory public suicide at this morning's annual shareholder meeting.