The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman. The centerpiece of the governor’s legislation is to create a new state agency — the Justice Center for the Protection of People With Special Needs — with prosecutorial powers. The Republican bill differs from the Senate’s version in protections for many battered women, including lesbians, American Indians and illegal immigrants, Democrats say. Spurs, Celtics Begin Stiff-Legged Lurch to the Finals Administrators, students and parents at Packer Collegiate Institute said they were punished over a technicality. County Fair Judges Blown Away By Local Heifer Ed Baig of USA Today reviews the new iPad and declares that it “snatches the crown from its predecessor as the finest tablet you can buy. Period.” Baig calls the new Retina display “spectacular” and points out that the screen is “sharper than your high-definition television.” He also lauds the built-in battery, which allowed him to use it for an entire day without recharging. And he points out that Apple “continues to claim a huge advantage over Android and other tablet rivals” with its apps ecosystem. The new iPad — the third generation of the category-defining mobile device — arrived at Apple’s Retail Stores and the Apple Online Store on Friday, March 16 at 8:00 a.m. local time in the US, Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Japan, Singapore, Switzerland, and the UK; along with Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands. Beginning at a suggested retail price of $499 (US), the new iPad features a stunning Retina display, Apple’s A5X chip with quad-core graphics, and a 5-megapixel iSight camera with advanced optics for capturing amazing photos and 1080p HD video. And iPad 2 is now available at a more affordable price, starting at just $399. Saying the New York Police Department seemed to have little regard for constitutional rights, a judge provided possible legal recourse for hundreds of thousands of people. Early Playoff Exit Provides Huge Relief To Grizzlies Despite the overwhelming level of interest in its I.P.O., Facebook is facing fresh concerns over its ability to attract enough advertising revenue. Will the social network reach its advertising potential? According to a study published in the journal Psychological Science, repeating positive affirmations like "I am a lovable person" makes depressed people feel worse. Mistakes by the Police Department in Sanford, Fla., and circumstances beyond its control, could make it more difficult to pursue a case against George Zimmerman. For the fifth year in a row, Apple has been named the World’s Most Admired Company by Fortune Magazine. Apple also ranks first again in the Innovation category. Noting the “runaway success” of iPhone 4S and iPad 2 and increased sales across the board, the magazine writes: “To say it was another big year for Apple would be a gross understatement.” Azithromycin may be risky for adults with heart problems, a new study finds, by possibly causing abnormal, potentially fatal, heart rhythms. Apple today announced that the Fair Labor Association will conduct special voluntary audits of Apple’s final assembly suppliers, including Foxconn factories in Shenzhen and Chengdu, China, at Apple’s request. “We believe that workers everywhere have the right to a safe and fair work environment, which is why we’ve asked the FLA to independently assess the performance of our largest suppliers,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. A team of labor rights experts led by FLA president Auret van Heerden began the first inspections Monday morning at the facility in Shenzhen known as Foxconn City. Following numerous religious protests, Indonesian officials have refused to issue a permit for Lady Gaga to perform in Jakarta next month. Panamanian fisherman Adrian Vasquez is suing Princess Cruise Lines after one of its ships allegedly chose to ignore a stalled boat in which he and two companions, who later died, had been stranded. FileMaker, Inc. today announced the release of the FileMaker 12 database software line — including FileMaker Pro 12, FileMaker Go 12, and FileMaker Server 12 — which offers powerful new ways to create custom database apps for iPad, iPhone, Mac, Windows, and the web. New professionally designed themes and the ability to customize every detail make it easy to create databases for managing contacts, projects, digital content, and more. All FileMaker 12 products are available starting today. NEW YORK—New York Yankees shortstop and eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter admitted to reporters Monday that the only reason he plays baseball with effort, modesty, and reverence to those who played before him is because it gets him all... Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany said she would discuss stimulus programs to get the Greek economy growing again and that she was committed to keeping Greece in the euro zone.